I didn't shave. On purpose
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize