They should really pass out barf bags in church
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
