I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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