The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Randomize
