She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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