I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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