Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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