Hey man sorry I got all grabby
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
