So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
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One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
3pm strippers are depressing
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
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Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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