you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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