I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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