he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
