Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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