I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
