how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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