i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
