i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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