Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
