my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
