i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
