The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
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