I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
