I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
