sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
