Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
