New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
