Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
