I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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