so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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