Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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