I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
