I looked at my own cervix.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
