You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
