Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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