i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
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