every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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