yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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