if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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