Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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