I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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