I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
