If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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