i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
