Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
