I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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