well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
She needs sedatives and a leash
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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