trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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