Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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