were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
