Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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