just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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