When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
