How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
