3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
