I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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