hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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