I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You ruined the universe
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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