This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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