I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My life is pants optional.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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