hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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