I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
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Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
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Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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