Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
