i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Also, beer. Big fan.
You are the jesus of drinking
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
