I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
